For What It’s Worth, We've Been Sold a Lie on Success

For What It’s Worth, We Been Sold a Lie on Success

Raise your hand if you've been personally victimized by what society's definition of what success is.

Since the beginning of time, or whoever first came up with and sold us this load of shit, (I mean, counterfeit determination of success), we've been taught that it looks the same for everyone. Go to college, get a job, make money, six figures at least (we're almost in 2025, so now it's well into 6 or multiple 6 figures) even if it's at a job that you hate, get married even if you damn-well-know love is not enough to keep a marriage or home afloat, buy said house in the suburbs, have 2.3 children, and that's it. That is a success.

If you live in Bergen County, as I do, maybe you could throw in a Golden Doodle or Labrador Retriever for a little something extra. IYKYK.

Oh, and do this all by 30, or you're considered old or off track. If you get lost in the comparison cycle, that's your problem. Just rush through this as fast as you can and don't ask questions.

Many checked close to, if not all, of those boxes and still felt unwavering unhappiness. We were told this is what it would take to be happy yet how come so many people found themselves entirely miserable. Cue the early midlife crisis.

Here's the deal, if I am being honest. Most people didn't question the blueprint they were handed by their parents or whoever "raised" them, me included. (Airquotes, because we eventually grow up and re-raise ourselves once we realize, if we are lucky, the blueprint was a hot mess.) It was accepted as the word of the Lord, whoever or whatever you believe in. Instead of digging into the framework of what was sold to us, which was as stable as a house of cards, many doubled down on it, as people often do when they realize they might be wrong. Possibly gravitating toward people in the same situation to confirm what they were taught. Baby-sized newsflash so as not to completely blind you: Doubling down and/or surrounding yourself with people with the same problems/in the same situation won't make something true; you'll be in an echo chamber, and the ache for "more to life" will get louder.

• "Maybe when they change, I'll be happy." (Please don't rely on anyone changing.)
• "Maybe I'll be happy once I get that new car."
• "Maybe once we update the house a little more, I'll be happy."
• "If we buy a second home at the shore/lake, we'll be happy.
• "Maybe once I get that promotion/finish that degree/make XXX, XXX.XX, I'll be happy."

And the list goes on. And you're still not happy. Except now you are indebted financially and mentally, on top of the most crippling, emotionally. Maybe now you're friends with people you never want to be like, but again, there's an investment.

And then there's the some of us. Some of us asked ourselves those questions and got tired of trying to convince ourselves that this was the mold. We stood up as tall as possible and asked, "Is this what success should feel like? Because it may look good, but it feels like total shit." And I didn't even check all those boxes at that point in my life.... yet.

We should have been taught that success looks different for everyone and that it is up to us to define it. And the road to success is not at all linear. It's a cha-cha and driving during the morning rush hour in northern NJ (again, IYKYK...).

After lots of self-reflection, walks in the woods, thousands of dollars in therapy copayments, pretty much everything short of a lobotomy, here is how I now measure success. Keep in mind three things, 1- Like so many things in life, there is nuance to many of these, 2- As I always, I remind people, I don't know shit, 3- These are only my ideals of success. 

• Can you name your values/do you have a developed value system that you live by?
• Are you living life on your terms, doing what you want without guilt?
• Do you feel indebted to anyone for anything? 
• Can you fall asleep at night? Do you have peace in your life?
• Do you have quality and positive relationships/community that reflect who you are and/or want to be? (The best way to become who you want to be is to surround yourself with people you want to be like!)
• Are you accountable?
• Do you live in integrity? (About that value system…)
• Do you have a purpose/fulfillment unrelated to your career, parenthood/family, or something you feel obligated to?
• Are you grateful for what you have right now, even if you are not yet where you want to be?

That said, of course, I felt proud of myself when I hit certain marks like completing graduate school, buying a home(s), the car I wanted, or reaching a specific salary. Still, none of that is intrinsic and can't be compared to the feelings of success I feel when I act within my value system (I legit beam, quick air punches, maybe a little kick), even when it is hard. When I can help a peer on a project or through a difficult time, or when I know I've done my very best, even when I didn't get the result I was looking for. Nothing compares to those feelings.

(OK, my child sleeping through the night is always welcome... but don't forget, to be a successful parent, your child must sleep through the night by 1 month old and be fully potty trained by 15mos, on top of so many other things, or you are a failure, as are they! No wonder everyone is so anxious.)

It's time to teach the younger generations that success is up to them to define, so they don't wander through their younger years wondering why they feel a sense of existential dread (or was that just me?). FWIW, if you haven't already, maybe it's time to teach yourself that, too.

If this resonated, high five to you, now go find some success today, or give this a share using the links below.