
Photo: My almost 3-yr-old son crashing out, after fighting a nap all day, right before we were leaving for a play date with our friends. This is your life now.. God speed.
For context, ICYMI, this past week, 26-yr-old singer Chappell Roan (side note - who I just adore) was on the "Call Her Daddy" podcast and opened up about her views on parenthood. The host of Call Her Daddy, baby faced, 31-year-old Alex Cooper, asked Chappell Roan if she wanted to have kids one day. Chappell candidly responded that she didn't know. When going in on parenthood specifically, Chappell said:
"All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don't know anyone who's happy and has children at this age… I have, like, a 1-year-old, 3-year-old, 4 and under, 5 and under… I've literally not met anyone who's happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, who has slept."
My first thought was, "her friends are teen parents."
My second thought was, wow, the internet responded! The population was divided on this almost as much as the division around politics, but not quite as venomous. In my unsolicited, who really gives an F about my opinion, for what it's worth, Chappell Roan has a point. I know, I know, triggered parents, especially Moms everywhere, hear me out.
While my husband is more than an active participant in our family and holds his own in parenting, gets up in the middle of the night, has never flinched to jump and change a diaper, give bottles (wash bottles, God how I hated washing bottles), make lunches, pack snacks, and get our kid ready on his designated days, makes appoints, brings him to appointments, it is still really fucking hard. And right now, I will talk about Chappell's comments from the POV of a Mom to a toddler, as Chappell was referring to Moms. I love you, participating Dads, but this isn't your time to shine. And we also love the Dads who are either parenting while in same-sex relationships/marriages or solo Dads. Again, this just isn't your time.
So, why are Moms triggered by this comment and raging out on the internet? Well, it can seem like she is shitting on those who choose to become mothers and as if we are supposedly suffering in a metaphoric hell. If you are a person who takes things personally, then yes, you'll be triggered by this comment. As the birthing parent, we decided to put our bodies through a marathon-long baking period of growing a human inside of us, where our bodies expand to unfathomable limits (and we are expected to snap back like we never had a baby at all - lol, oh, society, you're so cute), we give up things that may make us happy to be sure our unborn child is safely developing inside of us (excessive coffee consumption, medical grade skincare and Botox/filler for me...Do you know what that can do to a person?). I won't get into the whole birthing process since either way your child enters the world is not a glamorous experience. Having my adult diaper changed and the catheter removed from my urethra in front of my husband, post-C-section was the baptism into the next phase of our marriage that I'll never forget. However, my husband also offered to wear a diaper in solidarity.
The truth is, many of us are telling the truth about being mothers, and that is precisely what Chappell is referencing. It's really fucking hard and let's be honest, anything that is really fucking hard, despite the reward, can scare people. Throw in the crumbling society around us, the dumpster fire of support for families, by the government and many employers (I cannot say enough good things about my company regarding being a working parent), and the exorbitant cost of childcare for those families who have both parents working.
Whereas past generations kept it all inside and dared not complain, because "this is what they chose" and "they should be grateful," many of us are telling the truth. Hell, even some of the past generations project onto us what was said to them when we talk about how hard being a parent is. "You chose this. Did you not want this?" Sure, Martha, I chose this, and I can also admit it's HARD. I am so sorry that past generations didn't express the truth about how difficult it can be. Self-sacrifice and silence is not a badge of honor. It's nothing to admire.
No, Chappell, we parents don't sleep for the first few weeks. For some parents, they lose months and years of quality sleep. The light has been stolen from our once bright, now dark-circled eyes. I was privileged enough to have a night nanny for three weeks after my husband returned to work; still, it was tough for both of us. No one warns us that we will wonder if we are dead or alive some days. No one tells us that our hormones are going to take us on a rollercoaster ride, our entire identities shift the second our child arrives, and that the postpartum loneliness is immense.
Traditionally, many mothers stayed home and raised the family. Now, for an array of reasons, we see many mothers working outside of the home, then starting their 5-8pm shifts inside the home, which usually do not end after the kids go to bed, that is IF you survived the bedtime routine, IYKYK. If you're a working mom, like me, who has to function in your career from the typical 8am to 5pm during the day, after those long nights, too, you'll look back and wonder how you survived. But you will survive. (I am still wondering how I functioned during those first 4mos, sleep regressions, teething..)
And for the boneheads in the back who ask if we have considered self-care, please, kindly sit down. The rat race and never ending chaos of motherhood, career, marriage, and life isn't cured with a spa pedicure, a massage, or a walk. It's an entire process and a groove that takes time to fall into. And ironically enough, when mothers take that time to themselves, they are asked, "Who is watching the kids?" Or are guilted for doing so. It only makes us want to breathe more fire after choosing between washing our hair or shaving, doing our hair or doing our makeup, or, worse, only dancing between the drops that day and throwing on extra deodorant.
But there is more... There is something Chappell has not heard about being a mother, or considered.
What Chappell hasn't heard is that in the middle of one of those sleepless nights, when you're wondering if you can do this, if you're actually sleeping while standing up and rocking a teething child (my son was generally a good sleeper, but his worst sleeping was when he was teething, if I sat, he'd wake up, I truly don't know how we survived), if you've felt like me, you'll stare at your baby, in complete awe, wanting that moment to last forever while also wondering when this will end. But you'll also cry looking at pictures of when they had no teeth and gummy smiles. Thinking about those nights, you'll probably cry the good tears this time. And you may actually wish for just one more of those nights together.
What people don't tell you is that parenthood is a complete dichotomy. You want to get to the next phase but want to keep them little forever. You want to get through the sleepless nights but eventually miss those quiet moments when it was just the two of you. It's constant noise and overstimulation, but also wondering how you can love someone so much that it's actually painful. When they're screaming "Mama!" an unlimited amount of times in a row, at the top of their lungs while banging everything in arm's reach, while you're trying to cook, the dog is barking and wants to be let out. The TV is on and way too loud, and someone is at the door. (This can't just be my house.) But when you acknowledge your child after they call for you, and they have the biggest smiles on their face, and they're so excited to show you something, you burst with them.
Chappell did not hear about the first time your child says they love you, the time when they can form more significant sentences and say, "I love you so much, Mama, " or "Thank you, Mama," or how they run to you when they see you at pickup after a long day.
I won't go too far into the weeds of toddlerhood. It's a complete circus of constant power struggles, tantrums, and negotiating. It is also absolutely hilarious. This may be one of my favorite phases with my newly turned three-year-old. The things that come out of my son's mouth and how sweet he is are unrealistic. There are moments that I stare at him and wonder how he is mine and when he had the time (or audacity) to grow up because just yesterday, he was a 7lb 2oz wrinkly newborn. Yesterday, I asked my husband, "Can you believe he is ours?" after another hilarious moment. But don't worry, he melted down the next moment because I served dinner on the blue plate he asked for.
While studying and training to be a therapist and working with my my own therapist for many years, I learned that two true things can coexist simultaneously. There is no "but"; instead, it's and. Chappell is right; being a mother sounds absolutely miserable. She is right. Some days, it can be. I say I am running away once per week. AND, being a mother is one of the absolute best choices I made in this life after thinking I may not have even wanted children for many years. Then being faced with a situation that made me wonder if I would ever get to this point in my life. I cannot imagine a life without Henry. It makes me physically sick to think of it. Sure, there are days I miss my "old life," and that doesn't mean I want it back
So no, I may not have the time to read as much as I used to, train for marathons, or to write out my stupid little thoughts on life as much as I used to. I may have gone up a pant size for a while, I may not get to do my hair AND makeup many days. I proudly sport this extra belly skin and C-section scar. The sacrifice is worth the reward.
I realize it's all a season. Some seasons in life are incredibly tough and we wonder when we will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. We don't all love Winter, and when there, most people miss the summer. And, like Autumn, we have to die before returning to life in the Spring.
And we do come back to life. Just ask me and my three-year-old who sing "Pink Pony Club" together at the top of our lungs.
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