For What It's Worth, You Probably Don't Need a Bigger House

Maximalism—it's all around us. 

It may have found us in our formative years, picking up speed in high school as we turned 17 and began getting our driver's licenses. Who left the DMV right into a brand-new car with a bow on top? God, we all wanted that for ourselves, didn't we? However, even those of us who drove our hoopties were so happy with our newfound sense of freedom, and gas that was .95 cents per gallon. Next came the colleges we attended, with our high school displaying each person's acceptance and choice for the next four years. Better was better. Right? Without warning, those same colleges may be married to us for the duration of our adulthoods by way of Sallie Mae. After college, who got the job with the highest salary (not looking at benefits and how important they are to an offer package), who got engaged, and how many carats is that ring? What does her fiance do for work? (Not taking into consideration other factors which are equally, if not more important, than the carats), and lastly, the house.

The house.

It would help if you thought about what actually makes it a home. (For what it's worth, divorce taught me so many beautiful lessons.) 

Did that all exhaust you? Because it should have. 

While hope-scrolling my feed one day, I was perusing my local Facebook county Mom's Group when I came across an anonymous post. Anonymous posts are not uncommon because Moms can be ruthless and judgmental. Insert my side-eye here.

Anonymous posts are usually pleas for advice after someone finally caught their cheating husband; they're a SAHM with no money "of their own," they want a divorce and don't know where to start or if they can survive on their own and now feel stuck, or the best hemorrhoid cream to beat those postpartum long-term, uninvited guests. Add in awful parents of their own and/or in-laws they can't take anymore.

But also, who has the best pizza in Pascack Valley?

This time, it wasn't about the emotionally unavailable Mr. Big, who doesn't "help" with the kids (he’s not “helping” when they’re HIS kids), who they knew they shouldn't have married in the first place, or the best butt cream for themselves, or natural diamond vs. a lab-grown diamond ( way more significant at a fraction of the cost... because maximalism!)

This one was different. And it stabbed me in the heart.

This woman opened up to the community, sharing that she didn't feel like her home was big enough. She has found herself comparing (keep this word in mind) her home to her children's friends' homes and was ashamed for her children. The 1300sqft home she bought in one of the "better" Bergen County, NJ towns, where she knew her kids would be in one of the best school systems she was once proud of, is now the center of her shame. She added that it was updated enough and decorated very nicely. However, it still crushes her that it's smaller than other homes that her kids visit.

This was heartbreaking. And sadder, this became the first of a few more posts just like this. Living in this area of Bergen County…. I get it. It was easy to put myself in her shoes.

About 200 members commented on it, some saying they felt the same way and many others offering support and feedback in a beautiful display of solace and community. More than I expected wished they were in her position. They would prefer a smaller house for one reason or another. What is even more interesting, I can't think of a time I ever thought someone else's home was "too small." Or not updated. Ever. But I have thought, "That seems like a lot to clean." (Guilty, I have cleaners and don't want to spend more on that luxury if I don't have to.)

Many of the homes in this area are very big, overshadowing your traditional 3 bedroom-1.5 bathroom, 1500sqft homes with a detached garage. While, yes, those still exist at an asking price of no less than a what-in-the-2024 $750k and $15k in taxes (if you're lucky!), they're surrounded by renovations of those trad homes and new builds that can remind you you're house may be "less than." It doesn't have a walk-in closet that can be considered another bedroom, and a separate butler's pantry when you don't have a butler? Less than.

Except, I'm here to tell you that it's not.

For what it is worth, I have fallen into this trap myself. No one is immune. I've looked around and thought, "Is what I have right now enough?" On the occasions I have asked myself that, and other times, I have even explained to new guests, "It's small, but there's room for us..."

I quickly snapped myself back into reality, and some of my new friends have done the same for me. The answer is yes; it's more than enough. Here's how I landed on my "For what it's worth..."

I was raised in an apartment until I was 21 when my parents purchased a home for family caring reasons. Being raised in an apartment was normal for a City kid, so I never knew anything different outside of some classmates who mostly had parents in higher places - they lived in Brownstones. (My prepubescent self thought stairs in a house meant you were somewhat rich.) At 23/24, I quickly moved back out, stepping into the world of renting, until I bought my first (small, fixer-upper) in 2014 with my first husband. When I tell you I loved that little house, and miss the charm, and loved the love I poured into it daily, believe it. It was small, and it was mine. I am still so proud of it.

In early 2018, my divorce was official. I ended up staying in that home, and in 2020, I sold it and purchased a townhome with my present husband. We intended on the new house being an investment: Live in it for one year, then rent it out, as we go back to a single-family home. You know what they say about making plans, right? With home prices and interest rates hitting the heavens and us having a 3% interest rate financially, it makes no sense to move right now. With our friends all in slightly bigger houses with more private yards, is this enough for Henry? What a dumb question. Of course, it is.

My family lives in that somewhat trad 3br, 2.5 ba townhouse, in a town that encompasses the community we were looking for, with a school system that fits the desires of our family. Our home can be considered an average size, but small, IF you compare it to others. Our home is filled with dance parties and coffee/breakfast dates in our updated-enough-yet-not-so-updated kitchen (my husband reminds me this isn't our forever home, so don't touch it, and truthfully, the not-so-updated-charm is growing on me and I'm getting way too comfortable here). It witnesses cozy nights on the couch, in front of the fireplace, where our pets are curled up with us. We host an array of holidays and birthdays, squeezing as many people as possible into our space, where there's a seat for everyone at our table(s). There are toys in the living room, and while I no longer have a small walk-in closet, the doubles in my primary bedroom are more than enough to hold my clothes. The finished basement is something I never had, and I am grateful for it. I don't have to leave my house to work out or even pay for a gym membership if I don't want to because there's plenty of space for my Peloton bike, tread, and weights. We cried in this home. We brought our baby home to this home. We now have a toddler who screams “home!” from the backseat as we pull into our development.

For what it's worth, what you have now is something you have always wanted. And that is worth remembering.

Comparing your car, house, relationship, job, child, wardrobe, engagement rings, or anything else to someone else's can be considered a symptom leading to the illness of unhappiness. Or never-enough-ness.

To anyone who may feel their house is too small, I'd love to come over, have a cup of coffee, and remind you why it's perfect.